“I got to know them oneon- one and they each made an effort. That was the key. They weren’t ‘The Kids.’ And they were all so hungry. They love their mother, but my stepson would just talk and talk and talk. I would need to change clothes and he would keep talking through the door. He was very open and they were all willing to just know me.”

By spending time with your stepchildren, you can begin to see your family’s personality. It becomes easier for you to understand what it must be like for the children to have a new woman in their lives, and you can then consciously begin to craft your plan for the future. Of course, Dad will have to get out of the middle and let you develop your own relationship with his children.

“I was never pushy about acceptance,” says Jenna of her four stepchildren, ages 6, 8, 13, and 15. The kids had just watched their parents go through an ugly divorce and still struggled with loyalty issues when their parents said negative things about each other. “I never had any kind of preconceived notion that I would replace their mother. I figured the relationships would develop the way they would. I’ve always been a kid person and I play a lot so that made it easier. We played and had fun and I didn’t put pressure on the relationships.

At first my husband Carl’s expectation and desire was that I would come in and the kids would love me right away. I knew that wasn’t fair. The relationships would evolve or they wouldn’t. He put some pressure on, but I wasn’t ready to be serious right away.” When Arne and I went through our premarital counseling with my aunt, Debbie, a Lutheran minister who officiated at our wedding with her husband, my uncle, Steve, who also is a pastor, she told Arne he would have to allow me to be a part of his children’s lives—that he couldn’t get in the middle because he felt guilty about what he was bringing to the marriage.

She reminded him (and me) that I was an adult and had made the decision to be with him, fully aware he was bringing three lovely children to the relationship. It was my choice. And he had to respect me enough to let me live with my choice. Then he had to let us all get to know one another on our own terms without jumping in to protect me from them, or them from me.

Related posts:

1. Learn the Culture before You Can be Effective Part (2)
2. Learn the Culture before You Can be Effective
3. Get Into Your Kid World: Get Their Heart
4. What Stepmother actually is? Part (3)
5. What Stepmother actually is? Part (4)