Later, they really felt a sense of loss and I could finally understand why they would feel that way. But at first I thought, ‘Those ungrateful kids!’” Many stepmothers feel the urge to “make things better” for their husbands and stepchildren, who have lived through a hurtful divorce or the death of a parent. It’s understandable, but it’s important that a stepmother knows this expectation can cause huge amounts of friction.

If your stepchildren’s mother is deceased, please consult with a counselor. Though this book will help guide you through stepmotherhood, the death of a parent brings up issues not handled here. Lynn, formerly a communications expert at a Fortune 500 company, who has since received a degree in family services and started a stepfamily coaching business, remembers the difficulty she had managing her expectations when she first married a man with three children, two of whom lived with them. “I was so blind.

I had these expectations that I was going to come in and make everything better. I think it was about eight months in and I said, ‘I can’t do this anymore. I need to go back to my old life.’” It was only after a meltdown about the pressure she was feeling trying to integrate into a new family that Lynn could identify what was going on.

She would have to readjust her expectations—not lower them but change them. It’s tempting for stepmothers at the breaking point to lower their expectations to where they disengage emotionally from their stepchildren. That’s where trouble can set in, because it directly affects the marriage, which in the early years is the weakest link in a new stepfamily. Because in any marriage, when emotional distance sets in, it’s hard for partners to turn back to each other and back to the marriage.

Related posts:

1. What Stepmother actually is? Part (3)
2. What Stepmother actually is?
3. What Stepmother actually is? Part (2)